Blog One - wherein we meet

“It all begins with an idea. Maybe you want to launch a business. Maybe you want to turn a hobby into something more. Or maybe you have a creative project to share with the world.”

The above is the stock verbiage offered through Squarespace’s blog tool. It makes me a little uncomfortable that I have wanted to launch businesses, and I have wanted to turn hobbies—pretty much every hobby I’ve ever had—into “something more” ie, something I could earn money doing and seek validation from others. Or maybe I have “a creative project to share with the world.” Maybe I don’t.

I’m kind of over all of that. I am content with speaking these words into the void. Hearing only the gently soothing tap of this beautiful Mac keyboard beat a steady rhythm of my own thoughts and the pleasure of the feedback of each little keystroke tapping out the words as they occur to my restless, overstimulated, fearful brain is rewarding enough.

Something inside me refuses to try to perform for the faceless internet any longer. I will only perform for the faceful internet. Ha. I wrestle with mental health, parenting, special needs—my own and my children’s, divorce, abuse, trauma, difficulty trusting others, faithlessness in everything I was told to believe in as a child and young person, being controlled by other people, feeling out of control of myself. Discovering the truth about my self and my situation in the world.

Maybe this blog will partly be a memoir of the junk I tell my boyfriend and have told my therapists. Maybe this blog is for me only to read and try to divine what sort of thing I am—this soul, this consciousness, this form and essence. What is this quintessence of dust?

As long as I don’t give way to hopelessness and despair, I believe I am doing well. And I am not giving way to hopelessness and despair.